The Paper Shepherd Read online

  “I also had to change your answering machine tape twice because it was so full it wouldn’t take any more messages. The old tapes are in the box, too.” Tiar wondered who would be calling her. Probably her friends wondering where she was or leaving messages about homework assignments. I’ll throw those out when I get home, she thought. Silence filled the room once more.

  “What did you tell them?” Tiar asked finally. Eleanor took a deep breath.

  “I told the school you had a case of fulminant hepatitis A, a very rare strain for which you had to go to the university hospital at SUNY Henderson.” She stood up and poured herself a cup of tea. “I had just read of a similar case for work. It was easy enough to make up the doctor’s notes.” Eleanor leaned against the counter. Tiar was just beginning to appreciate the extent to which Eleanor had gone out on a limb for her. Forgery was much more serious than just making up a white lie for the high school principle. She could have lost her job if anyone found out the truth.

  “Who knows?”

  “Just me, and the doctor’s in the Emergency Room at Northern Hospital. And of course, your doctors at Henderson.”

  “No one else?”

  “No. Jack thinks you had hepatitis.” Tiar swallowed hard.

  “And Max?” Eleanor sat down across from Tiar at the table.

  “I don’t think anyone even told him you were in the hospital. Jack and I didn’t,” she said. Tiar looked relieved. She sighed heavily. Eleanor reached into the pocket of her jacket and took something out. She put it on the table in front of Tiar. “I spotted this in the bushes near your front door. I thought it was safe to assume you didn’t want him to know about the hospital.” Tiar looked down. It was Max’s class ring and her silver chain. Tears began to well up in her eyes, but she blinked them away. She unclasped the chain and put it around her neck, leaving the ring alone on the table. She looked at it and then at Eleanor. Eleanor’s faces showed a genuine need to understand what had happened. Tiar wanted to tell her everything, but her shame prevented her from saying a word.

  It would have been easier, she thought, if Max had said he didn’t love her anymore and was taking a different road. She could have told herself that the dreams she had of their life together were only an illusion. But, he did love her. She believed that. Which meant that there had been the possibility of a future for them together. And yet, he chose the future without her. Max was truly ambivalent about his future. If she had been decent and chaste, he could have proceeded with the priesthood honorably. If she had been beautiful and competent in bed like Michelle, he would have chosen a life with her. But, she pushed him… she tempted him and then she had been such a failure as a lover that he had not only sworn her off, but every woman forever more. Tiar wanted to hide herself behind a thick hooded cloak and retire to some dungeon so no one could see her hideousness and sin. The very kindness that people were showing, the generosity and compassion, was mocking her. In all this, however, Tiar could not feel bad for herself, as she was the perpetrator. Nor could she feel bad for Max, as he would live an illuminated life as a servant of God. Her sympathy was entirely for Eleanor. Eleanor had been the only mother Tiar had known for nine years. In agreeing to date Max, Tiar had made an unspoken pact with her. But Tiar had not been the woman she should have been. Now Eleanor would spend the rest of her life a woman without grandchildren, knowing her bloodline was wiped from the earth. She would never get to share photos with other ladies at Barbara’s Beauty Palace or get to shop for tiny pajamas or birthday cakes with race cars drawn on them in icing. She would live her older years alone, the mother of a defiled priest, a failure in the eyes of God and Man.

  Tiar knew she was the cause of this all. She had betrayed the only woman to ever show her love. Her guilt nearly crushed the air out of her chest. Pathetically, Eleanor did not yet know the full extent of Tiar’s treachery. She did not have all the puzzle pieces to put together. And, in her shame, Tiar felt the sudden primal need to flee before she had more of them.

  “I need to go,” she gasped, barely audible.

  “What is that, dear?”

  “I need to go,” she said a little louder. “Thank you again for all your help, Mrs. Franklin. I will always be in your debt.” Eleanor looked at the younger woman, panicked, short of breath, scanning the environment with her eyes. Eleanor wanted to comfort her, but she didn’t even know what for. “I’m so sorry,” Tiar said, nearly incomprehensible. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault, Tiar. It’s not!” Eleanor assured her, taking a small, trembling hand in her own. What’s your fault? she wanted to, but could not, ask. All she knew for sure was that two weeks ago, a teacher at St. Jude’s had called her to ask if she knew why Tiar had missed school on the day of a big exam. She went to Tiar’s apartment and saw her through the window, naked and asleep on her bed. She did not stir, even when Eleanor kicked in the flimsy front door to get in. Tiar had taken too many sleeping pills. Max, who had left town unannounced the same day, had called only once in two weeks to leave a message saying he had survived the trip back to school safety. What in the heck happened between the two of you? she wanted to scream.

  “If you need anything from us, let me know,” she said instead. “Jack and I will always be here for you.” Tiar nodded. Neither of them said another word. There was nothing else to say. Tiar walked out the door of the Franklin house for what she expected would be the last time. In the kitchen the phone rang. Eleanor stood in the hall and watched the door close behind Tiar. Finally, the answering machine picked up. Max’s voice broke in on the line, and Eleanor ran to pick up the extension.

  “Hello, dear,” Eleanor said, struggling to sound like her normal, cheerful self.

  “Hey, ma. Got a minute?”

  “Sure, son. What’s new?” Two weeks was the longest Eleanor had ever gone without talking to her son. Considering the events of the past two weeks, she had a million questions for him. Now sworn to silence, she could only hope Max would answer some of these without her having to give anything away.

  “Mom, I have some pretty big news,” he said. He didn’t sound happy, but he didn’t sound nearly upset enough to explain why Tiar had just spent two weeks on a locked psychiatric ward for a presumed attempted suicide.

  “What is it, dear?”

  “Mom, I’m going to the seminary. I’m going to be a priest.”

  33

  The late June sun was reflecting mercilessly from the white side walks of Brighton, NY as Sal Stevenson parked her red sports car across the street from her friend Micah’s apartment. She watched with amusement the scene in front of her. A young woman, shorter and much smaller than Sal, was trying to hoist a futon mattress up the stairs of the converted retail space alone. Sal figured she was a new tenant. Although she was obviously struggling, the young woman refused to get discouraged. Sal got out of her car and crossed the street.

  “Need some help?” she offered. The younger girl looked up.

  “I’m sorry. I’m blocking the door, aren’t I,” she said, slightly embarrassed.

  “That’s fine. I’m not in a hurry,” Sal assured her. “Do you want some help with that? It looks like it weighs more than you do.”

  “Thank you. But I think I got it this time.” The girl gave the mattress one more hefty push. It deformed slightly but made no forward movement. “Okay. Actually, some help would be great.” The smaller girl climbed over the mattress to the leading edge and pulled while Sal pushed the bottom edge up the stairs. Within a few minutes, the task was done. The younger girl was profuse in her gratitude.

  “Do you want something to drink?” she offered. “I have diet soda, iced tea and tap water.”

  “I’ll have a diet soda,” Sal said, looking around the apartment. It was a small one-bedroom at the end of the hall with plenty of windows. The entire building was infested with cats, which kept the rat population tolerable, and the windows and doors were all fairly drafty. But, for this building, this apartme
nt was one of the nicer ones Sal had seen. The younger girl handed Sal a glass of ice and an open can.

  “Did you move everything else up here yourself?” she asked, looking at the coffee table, book shelves, kitchen table, and bed frame.

  “Yeah. It wasn’t that bad,” she said. “Most of this stuff is the cheap hallow stuff. Doesn’t weigh much.” The younger girl sat at the kitchen table across from Sal. “I’m sorry. I’m being so rude. I’m Renee Alfred.” She said this with a false sense of confidence, as if afraid she would be caught in a lie. But, there can be no more Tiar, she thought. Not anymore. No Ti, no Bird. That silly, stupid girl is gone. Today, I start over…

  “Sal Stevenson,” Sal said, putting her hand out for “Renee” to shake.

  “Short for Sally or....”

  “Salome,” she said plainly.

  “Cool name,” Renee said, raising her eye brows.

  “You wouldn’t think so if you spent your whole life with idiots calling you salami, salamander....”

  “Oh, I know all about being called ridiculous things,” Renee insisted.

  “What can you make Renee into?” Sal asked dubiously, narrowing her eyes.

  “Renee’s not really my first name,” she revealed.

  “So, what’s your real name?” Renee blinked silently.

  “It’s not important,” she said finally. “So, how did you get the name Salome?”

  “It’s a family name, apparently,” Sal stated unenthusiastically. She clearly had been asked this question many times before.

  “Your family didn’t have a particular grudge against John the Baptist?” Renee asked, recalling the story she had learned while studying for confirmation. It was about a dancer who was rewarded for her skill by getting a prophet’s head brought to her on a platter. Sal laughed, obviously familiar with the story.

  “No, although I always thought it would be cool to dance so well, a king would kill for me,” she said. “It did make me feel like I was destined to do something evil with my life.”

  “I donno,” Renee reflected. “I think Salome gets a bad wrap. The whole beheading John the Baptist thing was her mother, Herodias’s idea. Salome was only a teenager at the time. She probably didn’t even know who John that Baptist was.”

  “That’s not what my teachers told me growing up,” Sal insisted. “They predicted I was headed for nothing but drama and ruin.”

  “Well, if you run into them when you go home,” Renee offered. “You can tell them Salome ended up being a queen.”

  “She didn’t get that title from dancing, did she?” Sal asked, her eyes brightening.

  “No, she married Aristobulus,” Renee recited simply, as though these were people in her neighborhood.

  “How in the heck do you know all this?” Salome asked, amazed.

  “Well, I went to Catholic school for nine years,” Renee said plainly.

  “So did I,” Sal revealed. “And they sure as heck didn’t teach us any of that. Half of what you said isn’t even in the bible.”

  “I had a friend in high school who was a bit of a history geek,” Renee said coyly.

  “A ‘friend’ eh?” Sal said sarcastically. Renee understood what she was implying.

  “Fine, I was a history geek,” she said quietly. Sal saw her face drop, as though this time in her life held some disturbing memories. Although she didn’t know what exactly she had said to illicit this reaction, she felt compelled to change the subject.

  “You like coffee?” she asked finally to break the silence. Renee looked up, her face brightening slightly.

  “No,” Renee said, smiling again. “I love coffee.”

  Max ran down the stairs with an uncharacteristic loud, stomping gait. He grabbed his denim jacket out of the hall closet and stepped into the kitchen, leaning over his mother at the kitchen table to give her a perfunctory kiss. His hair, which he had not trimmed since he left Hectortown during spring break three months ago, was still wet from showering. After unexpectedly graduating two years earlier than planned, Max had come back from college and started working immediately at his old job at the nursery, a job that left him filthy by the end of the day. Now showered, he was eager to leave the house once again.

  “Bye Mom,” he said, turning to leave.

  “You’re not staying for dinner?” she asked.

  “No, I’ll eat with my friends,” he called down the hall, already half way to the door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out.” The door closed heavily behind him. I don’t know what’s gotten into that boy, Eleanor thought. He was twenty now, and it would be normal for him to be so independent if he were any other kid in town. But this sense of coming and going as he pleased had come on quite suddenly. From spring break until now, he was a completely different person in ways being accept to a seminary did not explain. When he was at school, he had practically stopped calling home altogether. For the week and a half since he had come home to Hectortown, he spent as little time in the house as he could. He spent almost all of his time at home in his room playing guitar. He also stopped shaving. It’s a phase, Eleanor thought to herself. Just a phase. As she looked down the hall to the front door, she hoped it would be a short one.

  Max put his jacket on as he was rushing down the steps, slightly annoyed at his mother for asking so many questions. She never used to do that, he thought to himself. Of course, I never went anywhere before without... It was pointless thinking about it. He was an adult now and he needed to start acting like one. Part of that was not hanging around with his parents every night. Another part of that was not sitting in his room playing guitar, studying history, and pining away for a little girl he used to date in high school. A little girl I used to date in high school, he practiced saying to himself, purposely trivializing the memory. Max turned up Main Street and headed to a bar called Buck’s. He had passed it hundreds of times before on his way around town. Being under the legal drinking age, he had never been in a bar in his hometown. He’d never really been in any bar other than Pugs, where his friends and the proprietor had an unspoken agreement.

  Max had learned an interesting similarity about Buck’s. He had been running on the trails by the lake two days earlier when he bumped into Prentice who ran along with him for the final mile. After exchanging a few pleasantries, Prentice revealed that Matt Ryder’s older brother had gotten a job at Buck’s as a bartender a few months earlier. He agreed to sell his brother and his friends drinks under the table so long as they sat in the back of the bar near the dart boards and didn’t cause any trouble. Prentice invited Max along.

  “Thank you. But, I’m not sure I should,” Max said, apprehensively.

  “Oh, it’s not that priest thing, is it?” Prentice asked. So much for keeping a low profile, Max thought.

  “Well, yeah, the whole pornography thing is kinda looked down upon...”

  “Hey, don’t worry about that, dude,” Prentice assured him. “I mean, we obviously don’t bring that stuff out in public with us. To tell you the truth, I’m kinda getting tired of the whole thing. It’s really more of Matt’s thing anyway. I just go along with it so he doesn’t feel like a freak.”

  “You’re sure I won’t make anyone fell self conscious...”

  “Absolutely not, Max. I mean, come on. You were our teammate. You are the mighty Max Franklin, best point guard St. Jude’s ever had.” Max looked away self consciously but had to laugh at his own embarrassment.

  “I wasn’t really that good.”

  “Of course, you were, man. You were a legend,” Prentice insisted. “Just come along once for me, okay? Jay won’t come out because he hates Matt. But if you come along, maybe he will too. Either way, you’ll definitely improve the conversation.”

  “Okay, I’ll give it a try,” he agreed.

  “Cool. The guys are going to be so thrilled to see you,” Prentice said sincerely.

  “Somehow, I think ‘trilled’ might be an over statement,” Max wagered.

&
nbsp; “You’ll see. Anyway, what else are you going to do on a Friday night in Hectortown? It’s not like you can hang out at the Arcade looking for girls,” Prentice pointed out.

  “True,” Max agreed. “Very true.”

  34

  Renee sat in the emergency room of Brighton University Hospital, a gnawing pain in her stomach. Her first two months living in Brighton before the start of classes had gone more smoothly then Renee had expected. The coffee shop Sal had taken Renee to the day they met was looking for waitresses and Renee was accepted immediately into the Ray’s Original Coffee family. She worked sixty hours a week to save up for the semester, offering to take all the unpopular shifts on evenings and weekends when her coworkers wanted to be out with their friends and her new friend Sal was at work across town. She spent nearly all of her free time with this mysterious girl and her best friend, Renee’s neighbor, Micah. Now that the semester had started, Renee had cut back to twenty hours a week at the coffee shop. After only six weeks in college, she realized she would have to spend all of her time not at work studying or she would fall further and further behind. Despite Sal’s protests, this meant spending nearly all of every weekend studying. Now nearly at midterms, Sal dragged her out for a dinner at a fancy restaurant and made it clear any objections would fall on deaf ears. What had started out as a pleasant evening with Sal and Micah had taken a bad turn.

  The evening had started out simply enough. After classes, Renee ran, showered, and put on short black skirt and a purple sweater she got from Jen as a hand-me-down. She planted herself on her bed and poured over her biology text book while she waited for Sal to knock. When Sal arrived, Renee was reluctant to leave the apartment without her book, claiming she wanted to study in the car. Sal took it from her, dropped it on the floor, and dragged Renee out by the arm. When they got to Micah’s apartment across the hall, Micah was more reluctant to go out than Renee. Her stomach was killing her, she said. She had been nauseated all day. Sal was unrelenting. She had made reservations for them at one of the nicer sea food restaurants in town. The three girls proceeded there with Micah clutching her abdomen the whole way. Despite the elegance of their surroundings, Micah looked more and more uncomfortable through out dinner. When her pain migrated from a vague throbbing around her belly button to a stabbing pain in the right lower quarter of her abdomen, Renee threw her in the back of her beat up car and drove her straight to the emergency room. Sal shouted all the way to the hospital. You’re over reacting. Why are you ruining our one chance to go out? The receptionist at the emergency room took one look at Micah and wheeled her into the treatment area ahead of everyone else. Renee, though feeling vindicated, was worried. She didn’t know Micah very well, but she did know the warning signs of appendicitis.